LIVING WITH BIPOLAR, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY - MY JOURNEY

It has always been nervous for me to mention or write a post about this certain subject but it's something that shouldn't be hidden its something that should be said, as it may help others, and If I help just one person, then this post has done all I wished...

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 14.
After a childhood of irrational behaviour and struggles, I finally realised I wasn't the constant pain of roller coaster mood swings and emotions or a nightmare child, I had a mental disorder I'd never even heard of.

Now 20, looking back it's kind of a huge horrible blur...

I was having constant mood swings, several all times a days from hyper to anxious, angry and emotional, it was exhausting.  

I remember crying to my mum at 12 or 13; 'Life surely isn't supposed to be this hard Mum?'

It's was a constant battle of questions 'is it me?', 'should I feel like this?', 'does everyone feel like this?', 'is it going to be like this forever?'...

After years and years mental illness seemed to be spoken about more on TV and so on, so after a really tough time where I ended up in hospital in a really bad way, it was obvious to both me and my amazing Mum that this wasn't 'normal' and we should finally do something about this, as maybe it wasn't just the 'way I am'.

However, unfortunately diagnosing a mental illness isn't as easy as taking your temperature and diagnosing a fever, it's a long, hard, patient process. 

Our NHS service in the UK is amazing and I'm extremely grateful of how I've been treated through my Diagnosis, however appointment aren't quick coming for psychologists and psychiatrists and I had a long wait as well due to my appointment records being lost so I had an over 6 Months for my appointment and then a long process of talking, writing, diaries and charting until finally my prayers were answers and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

It might sound strange to say my family and I were relieved to find out I did have a disorder linked to my years of up and down behaviour but it was a huge weight off all of our backs, to know it wasn't something we were all doing wrong, and it was something I needed some extra help with to feel closer to what I'd always dreamt of, 'Normality'. 

At first I didn't want to go down the medication route as at first glance I though with the right councilling I wouldn't have to have my body controlled by medication. Although after months of weekly councilling, it just wasn't for me and I needed some other extra help too. 

So back to my amazing psychiatrists who diagnosed me who recommended I try a Mood Stabiliser Medication called Quetiapine to bring my high moods down to level and my low moods up to level to balance out my swings, and I'm still on this medication 6 years later today and it's the only one I've stuck with.

Hoping I'd only need a mood stabliser to help manage my bipolar, unfortunately due my huge amounts of stress, anxiety and phobias started to arise and I was unable to leave the house and unable to attend school for sometimes weeks so I was prescribed some Antidepressents. 

I first tried Fluoxetine which I started taking at a basic dose which then had to be upped and upped until I found a happy level. However after 2-3 years on Fuloxitine I started to have migraines and panic attacks daily which occurred due to my high levels of anxiety and became dangerous and started happening whilst I was driving to and from college, so I was told by the doctor to swap my Antidepressents over to Citalopram which should help with my panic attacks and take the edge off my anxiety.

Citalopram was great for around 6-9 months however then I started to become very stressed, irritable, angry and argumentative which seemed to take me back a few years and I was recommended to swap my Antidepressents over to Sertraline. 

Today I am still on Sertraline and a I finally think (and hope) after 6 long years since my diagnosis, I've found my perfect match of medication to help manage my Bipolar and I find this dose of Quetiapine and Sertraline along with organisation, routine and planning find myself at a much, much more manageable level and a much, much happier place.

It wasn't all about medication though.

There was years of learning, thinking and adapting. Learning how to minimise my anxiety, thinking about the future and adapting to the changes in my lifestyle and keeping myself at a happy level and healthy head space. 

I've learned I have to have a routine and plan ahead. Unfortunately that means the same for the people I spend most of my time with i.e my boyfriend and my family as if I'm unaware of what I'm doing I can get very uneasy.
So that meant my family adapting too.

It means trying not to leave me alone, which brought and still does bring on anxiety and roller coaster emotions. Things that also help are planning ahead with a daily routine and planning things to look forward to. 

If I don't have something to look forward to I find myself very depressed and unhappy so my boyfriend and I always like to plan what to do at the weekends or have a weekend away in months to come.

But it wasn't easy for my family at all, it was as hard them as it was for me, and hard for my boyfriend who I've been with for 3 years it was hard for him to accept, adapt and learn about my Bipolar too. 

Now 20, and feeling positive and (what I could call) the most 'normal' I've ever been have only my family and my boyfriend to thank for helping me through some horrible times, but without those times I wouldn't be able to sit here today, write this to the world and say what I've only ever wanted to through everything say, I am happy and I am happy with admitting I have Bipolar.

Sure, I still have bad days and good days.

Every 6 weeks, 3 months or so I might have a really, really bad day struggling with out of control emotions, stress, anxiety or feeling angry, argumentative and irritable or I might have a rush of mood swings from low to high, hyper to depressive. It's hard, scary and difficult but they happen, and overall thinking back and thinking positively, the good days 100% outweigh the bad.

I've come to terms now that I have bipolar and I'll most likely suffer with the illness for the rest of my life, however I know how to manage it better now and I have some amazing people around me who help me every day.

If you're reading this and alarm bells ring or Déjà vu occurs it doesn't means you're Bipolar it just might mean you have some anxiety, stress or nervousness . It could mean a lot of things or nothing, but I want you to know that it doesn't mean you're mentally ill.

But what I would say is, if anything does seem familiar to you, talk to someone!

A friend, a family member, a loved one, doctor or a teacher.
Along my journey I have a lot of thanks for my teachers from my secondary school, they were amazing with me on my good days and my bad and never made me feel any different and they were the easier to talk to.  

Don't be scared to say anything.
Be yourself and be honest because it will help you in the long run, no one will judge you and if they do, it's okay because you don't need them. 

The main thing I would say is; do what you love. 

Have a hobby, it helps! Enjoy yourself.

Blogging really helps me to open up, and put my interest in something, I love it.

If you're doing something you love, you'll either forget about what you're worrying about or use it to your strengths, and never, ever, ever be ashamed. 

It's been a long road but it's all worth it now I'm in a happy place with the people I love and who love me. 

The best advice I would give anyone is;

Don't surround yourself with negativity or with negative people.

Surround yourself with love and happiness, and don't look back. 

If you ever need any advice or help or just a natter!

Don't hesitate to DM me on Twitter or leave me a comment on Instagram,

Or Email me StyledbyCharlie@yahoo.com.

 I'd love to listen. 

P.S Thank you for reading, I hopes this helps someone, somewhere out there feel confident and happier.

Remember, don't be scared to talk, just be yourself.

Please SHARE the post if you can too, I'd like to spread awareness and make more people aware of Mental Illnesses.

Tag me on Twitter: @pallettBLOGGER and Instagram: @charliepallett